An Eternity of Feeling...?

[Lillith]

As I sit and breath, this is what I've been reduced to. This... Order to write in a... Journal. It's so... human. Then again, I am human... Human... Feelings... Emotions... Hate... Love... Envy... Fear. I feel it all, and oh so much more. How can this have happened? Gods above, and evil below, how have I been reduced to a sniveling child? I'll tell you how. Haseo. This is his fault. I was once feared, honored, worshiped. And now I have... Chores. And what's worse, is I do these chores. I do them for fear if I don't, I'll disappoint my Eindrel. I was once the most feared demonic ruler in all hells. There were even whispers of me in Cold Harbor, and Ita Halventaa. And now? Well, I'm less than that. Mortal... Aging... Sickness... It's too much to bear. My soul can't handle it. I've done things in my lifetime, horrible horrible things.. I've killed children. Small, helpless children. And mothers, and fathers. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, friends, enemies. I've killed, and devoured, them all. And I have to deal with these... Things. These feelings of guilt. Of sorrow over the life's I've desecrated. I'm a monster, well over 10,000 years old! And I feel pity! It's not right! What am I to do? I've long since lost my will to rhyme, I've lost my will to do much more than exist. There is no joy for me. Not in anything I do. I don't get to feel happiness, only regret. Only loneliness. And of course, there's the never ending beating of this... heart. I hear it, always I hear it. It's forever inside my head. And I hate it. I hate it above all others, because it's an evil thing, this heart of mine. It's made me... love. And care for... things. People. Animals. Feelings. Emotions. Earlier in the day, I was walking along the sidewalk in the park where Eindrel had taken me, and there was a line of ants marching across the concrete. I had an urge to stomp on them, to end their existence. I knew if I did this, maybe, one day, I could be as I used to be. Feeling-less. As I raised my foot, planning on stamping the creatures out of living, a rush of emotion and... guilt... crossed over me, and I lowered my leg. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even kill a line of ants. The lowliest of all animals, and I couldn't do it. What is wrong with me?

I suppose I should start at the beginning, then? I was... It's just that simple. I wasn't born, or created, I simply was. And I knew my place in life. I knew my purpose. I was the evil, I was the bringer of death, of pain. I was the balance for all the... good... that seemed to plague the Universe in those days. And so I restored the balance. I raped, and pillaged, and plundered... Well, I never raped. Though I did set up such things. That's neither here nor there. I was evil incarnate! I soon gathered legions of all things evil. Demons, Vampires, Succubi, psychopaths, everything you feared, I controlled. And that is how things were for the better part of four thousand years.

I became too powerful, it would seem, sometime around my sixth thousandth year of living, and spent a brief time chained to a demon's inner sanctum for very well over four decades, but even he was felled. And we'll speak no more of that experience, either. And then I was free once more, and all the cosmos knew of me, and trembled at the thought of me. I heard whispers in the under places of a being that was evil incarnate. Though they weren't speaking of myself.. I sought out this being, and found not the evil I had assumed I'd find, but... A family... man. A Freyalin that was, possibly, as evil as myself, and yet he had a mate, and children! Children!? Demons do not have children! But he did. And he loved them with his whole... heart? Demons do not have hearts! They do not have "morals." They do not have "boundaries!" But he did. And still his empire was greater than mine. So naturally, I pouted, and threw a fit, as I was prone to do in those days, and tried to destroy him. ... ... ... It backfired... How was I to know he had a "good" side? And how was I to know this side was so... powerful..? He took me... And he gave me the thing I feared above all else... He gave me... humanity..

And so here I sit, in a room fit for a ten year old, and cry. I cry all the time. It's so weak to cry, but I can't help it! I have 10,000 years worth of destroying to feel sorrow over. Do you know what bothers me the most? There was a child.. She couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen... Around three thousand years ago. I killed her family. I killed them all, and stole their souls. And she stood there, and she begged me... She was crying, of course. But she wasn't begging me to let her live. She was begging me to kill her. I'd taken her entire family. All of them. And she didn't want to live, knowing they were gone. Knowing demons existed. So she pleaded with me to destroy her as I had her loves... Do you know what I did...? I took her.. I took her to my hell, my own private chambers, in fact, and chained her to the wall. I... I... I forced her to watch them being slaughtered... over and over again... A millenia... I kept her.. Chained... I.. I can't do this.. The pain is too great to bare.. I feel I must end myself, before I fall to pieces over what I've done. Is there none that can help? This grief... What have I done...? ... I am a monster.

[Lillith]

The candle's flickering lightly over my page, though no light comes from anywhere else. I'm alone, here in the Dark Folly, in my room. Alone. And I... I'm scared. I've been with Eindrel for a little over a month at this point, and... I care for her. She made me my own bedroom in her home. And she made her Papa, that wretched urchin Haseo, give me my own room here, at the Folly, too. She said I could do whatever I wanted to it. Before, back with my Mama and Papa the Wallows, I'd had a bedroom that Mrs. Wallow had designed herself. There were a bunch of fantasy pictured drawn on the walls of unicorns and mermaids and lots of other things too. She even bought me my own bed sheets and a comforter that would keep the monsters away. Heh... Go figure. I remember lots of nights I would be so scared because I know what monsters are lurking under the bed. And I know what evils come from the closet. But Mrs. Wallow came in and laid next to me, covering us both up all the way to our chins, and held me while I shook. I remember her voice whispering softly to me telling me I was safe and she wouldn't let nothing ever hurt me because I was her precious angel that was sent from heaven. And that we belonged to each other because she couldn't have babies, and I didn't have a mommy, so we must have been made for each other. I couldn't break her heart and tell her that I'd killed my parents when I was only three. Then she said something I'll never forget as long as I live. And let's face it, that's going to be forever, unless Haseo keeps good on his promises and kills me, as I deserve to be. Mrs. Wallow said we weren't Mama and Daughter by blood, we were something even better; Mama and Daughter of the heart. That means that our hearts beat for one another. ...She died a week after that. The writing stops here where small splotches of dried water appear every so often for more than a couple lines.

Ahh... You tricky little pages. You drew me away from my original thoughts, back to memories I don't want to remember. I hate those memories. I hate them. I HATE THEM! HATE! ... My eyes can't stay dry when I think about them... It hurts too much. So I'll lock them away, as I've done since Eindrel found me. Anyway, Eindrel made me things for my rooms too. And she let me pick what they look like. I just left them how they were. It doesn't matter what they look like, I don't deserve to be here. I don't deserve to be part of anyone's family. I.. I just am. I am nothing. I am no one. I don't deserve to be part of Eindrel's love. Even if... Mallic... destroyed my... My what? What were they? My family? My friends? How ignorant I've become to think I could ever have something as such.

I met someone today. One of Payne and Zak's kids. He's younger than I... Well, if we assume I'm the ten year old my body looks to be. Anyway, I met him. And he was a cute little bundle of bubbling talk. He rattled my ear off for ages while I sat outside, staring out at Dark Avalon. I don't even know what he was talking about, but he seemed sure of himself. And then he did something that I didn't know how to respond to. Payne called him back inside and he grabbed my hand and kissed it. He flashed me the most devilish look I've ever seen, and I'm a devil, before kissing my cheek and running off like the fool he is. Humans are so strange sometimes. Especially the young ones. I don't even know why it made me smile. I must have been out of it, or something.

There's other people here. People that don't know who I was, what I used to be. And I don't know how to take that. Today I was walking along the corridor and ran into... Well, he was scary... And big... And had a face that was so scarred, I wondered for a moment if he'd been one of my previous victims. But no, he wasn't. His name is Zsadist, and he looked... Well, he looked like the killer he is. And he looked at me with an all too knowing glance before his hand reached down and... He. Ruffled. My. Hair. Does he know how hard it is to do your hair without magic?! It takes me hours to get it to look half as good as it used to, with a simple flick of my wrist! Damn him! I batted him away and told him not to touch me, and then it's like a hollow, dead look filled his gaze. His face became stony hate, and there was nothing more said as he shrugged and walked away. I don't know what I did to this Zsadist character. Maybe I killed his family once upon a time?

I've found that I'm left to my own devices for long amounts of time when I'm at the Folly. Eindrel's always out with her Uncle Hatake, oh that reminds me, I need to find out if he knows who I am or not, and when I'm alone, I have to find things that... Don't involve killing things... to occupy myself with. For example, I've found I can draw fairly well. And I've rather enjoyed myself drawing and what not. I don't know.. Maybe I'll get used to this place? Or maybe I should go talk to Haseo about killing me. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll go talk to him about killing me.

Lilia