In Pain You Will Find Love... Not : Rated Mature

[Payne]

Day One:

As requested by my Mistress Treble, I have decided to keep a journal. She "claims" that it will help me sort through my muddled brain... But I fear to write down my inner most thoughts here... What if this is found? I believe a spell is in order, something that will destroy this journal should any hands but mine touch it. And perhaps it should be invisible? But then how would I write on its pages? Oh blast it all, I will figure it all out in time I suppose. For now I am simply going to write. I believe introductions are in order yes? I am Payne Vellan, the leader of Treble's Black Dagger Brotherhood. We are a group of elite demonic assassins that carry out the Queen's bidding, as well as take side contracts, as long as they are approved by the Empress. Our garb is simple, nothing marking us as a unit save for the Brotherhood tattoo that each of us seven have marked somewhere along our bodies. Mine is on my left shoulder, and I wear it with pride. I was only recently inducted into the Brotherhood, a matter of months ago in fact, but I quickly climbed the ranks to where I am now, the leader and commander of them all. This is a far stretch seeing as how they have been led by a male for the last century. So there was a bit of an authority problem between myself and the other brothers, but I have more than proven myself to them, mostly by taking down Rhage, the former leader. I would have killed him, the dagger I wielded was on his neck, but I thought it better to leave him alive. We need experienced assassins, so killing him would not have worked in my favor. I think it has worked out fairly well though. They respect me now, and treat me as one of them.

Today... something strange happened. I met the most interesting of beings. He looks to be half light and half dark, his eyes included. By the gods I could get lost in his black and white gaze all day, if not longer. I was a little freighted at first though; I don't like much contact with other beings, unless I am killing them... I have a feeling that has a lot to do with Angher, that little vampire bastard. I suppose I should give something of my past here, but it pains me to remember my life before I came to the Dark Folly. It was full of weakness and freight and pain... so much pain. I was a Blood Slave for the master vampire Angher. He is where I got my name from, Payne... Daughter of Angher. Yes, my father made me his blood slave, yes I am half vampire. But I would prefer to not remember that side of me. The other side, the demonic side, is what is important, that is the side I share with Treble. Ahh, it seems I have slipped my tongue, tricky journal, making me feel comfortable enough to jot all my deepest, darkest secrets. Treble is my sister, well half sister, but that is unimportant to either of us, the half part that is. I was absolutely shocked when she told me she was my sister, and I didn't believe her at first, didn't believe her in the slightest. How was it possible that the woman that rescued me from that... cage... was also my blood sibling? Oh fate is cruel in all of its natures.

I digress... Let us return to happier thoughts, those of Ravial. Yes, he seems to be a very interesting being, but there is a part of me, most of me in fact, that wonders what exactly he wants... I trust not easily, it took Treble months for me to even believe that her name was in fact Treble, so a part of me does wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. Is this being, this man in chains, going to use me much like everyone else? Am I that idiotic to not see myself being used once more? I don't think so. I want to believe that he had a true interest in me, I honestly do, but I am still weary. And I still freeze up when I am touched by anyone, save Treble. Why am I so fucked in the head? What is wrong with me? I honestly don't know. It seems Treble was wrong. I don't feel better now, after I have written this first journal blog, in fact, I feel even more confused, and lost. Damn her and her incorrigible ideas...

~Little Bit~

[Payne]

Day five:

I have decided to write once more in this abominable journal, which I still think is an asinine idea. But according to Treble, it is a requirement if I wish to reside in her home. What an imbecilic concept. I have nothing to say to you Journal, nor do I wish I DID have something to say! I do NOT regret to tell you that this whole idea of writing one's thoughts and feelings on paper is completely moronic! Anyone could find it and reveal your deepest darkest fears, which I have none, fantasies, also something I have naught of, and secrets, which I seem to have to many of. Absurdity I call it! Absolute absurdity! But... Since Treble has me chained to this blasted table I have no choice BUT to write something... So I believe I shall just write the same thing over and over again. Shall I?

Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid...

Treble just came in and said if I don't stop writing the same word down over and over again she is going to hurt me... Pfft. Like she could hurt me. I'm not scared! I have no phobias! None! Well... Maybe I do have one, or two, but those are stupid! And shan't be spoken of here! Maybe I will speak of one... But tell no one! Not a soul or your immortality I shall have journal! I swear it!

The dark... Why do I fear the dark? What grip on my reality does it hold? I know not. Well... Perhaps I do. My Master... Nay, that wretch Angher, not my master, as I must remind myself, kept me in constant darkness, unless he had a need of me, or one of his flunkies did. But unless I was... servicing... one of them, I was in darkness. I ate in the dark, slept in the dark, paced in the dark, always in the dark. And when his hand reached for me I was in the dark. I hated to feel his hands, disgusting hands, groping hands, wretched hands. I hate them, I hate everything. I HATE IT ALL!

Why do these tears fall from my eyes as I write this? Why do I fear that which is darkness? Why can I not stand the touch of someone... anyone? Dear gods above what am I doing here? I should not be allowed to walk among the sane... The normal... The happy. I am lost, broken... No... Not broken, I am ruined. I have said this before, why do they try and fix what is ruined? Once again Treble was wrong. I shan't write in you again oh deceiver of the night, for I hate you, I hate you more than I hate anything else. You made me think of things best left not thought of. I shall burn you, destroy you, kill you!

~Not Little Bit... But Payne~

[Payne]

Day Seven:

... Once again I am forced to sit here... completely exasperated. How is it that she manages to get me chained to this wretched table? Because I was S-T-U-P-I-D. Why did I think she simply wanted me to help her with "paper work"? I shall repeat... S-T-U-P-I-D... In any case, I'm here once more, writing in this execrable journal. Yes, I called you execrable. Deal. With. It. I'm having trouble grasping the concept of the whys people write in journals. It's not like they serve ANY purpose what-so-ever. Whatever, the point is, it looks like I am going to have to write in your eternally disgusting pages on a regular basis if I want to keep my position in the brother hood, and my place in this house, which I have to do because I am not going back to that place...

You know what? I just had an interesting... yet scary thought. I wonder what Angher would do if I showed up on his doorstep. Considering I have been gone for well over two months now, he must be seething by now. I know exactly what he would do, which is why I will never go back there. Do you hear me Journal? Never will I return to that place of... of... abyssus. It was a harrowing place, full of hate, anger, despair, un-imaginable things journal, absolutley un-imaginable... things. But why do I speak of these things to you? How is it you coax such thoughts from my head? Blast you confounded thing!

I met another interesting being on this day journal. He is... Very muchly ruined like myself. I won't speak anymore of him in this entry though, my thoughts and feelings on the happening are still very much muddled and confused. He reminded me of a blood slave I once knew. What a tortured soul he was. We protected one another in the beginning, rather he protected me; most of the time he would take the hits meant for me, or do the chores given to me that morning as well as his own. Mind, this was well before I lost my will to thrive, to survive, to be anything more than an empty shell. Jacobus might very well have been my friend, but I have long since lost any type of happy emotion. It was a sad night... The night I killed him. But there was naught else I could do. Master... Angher, found him tending my inflictions from a recent romp and he was furious. It was his rule... Any property caught showing kindness to another property had to fight... to the death. I didn't want to kill him, I didn't think I could. But he made me! He refused to fight. As I look back on it now, I see that he truly was a coward... A very dead coward now, not that I care... in the slightest. I care for naught.

Why did I think of that? My brain must be malfunctioning or some other such ridiculous ailment. Shall I speak more today journal? Or are my forced ramblings through? I believe them to be through because I have a strange feeling in the deepest part of my gut, and my heart, assuming I still have a heart. I damn Treble for forcing these thoughts on me. And it is her who forced them; I was just fine going through life ruined. But no, she feels an undieing need to fix that which can not be fixed. So I part with you, once again feeling even worse... Damn her...

~I refuse to put a name here today~

[Payne]

Day Nine:

Pain… Fear… Dread… Horror… Hate… Envy… Loathing… All of this… At once… It’s in my head… In my soul… My body… My very being… I can’t move for I am frozen in fear… I can’t see for my eyes are clenched shut in dread… I can’t cry out for help for my throat has been constricted by unyielding pain. I might have screamed, I don’t remember. I can’t remember anything but for the images… Oh the images. Why do they plague my thoughts, my soul, and my heart? Please someone make them go away. My body quivers in fear; I can feel him on me, grabbing my body, biting my neck, penetrating my thoughts and feelings with his mind. It gives him pleasure to feel my horror at his mauling hands, his stinging teeth sink deeply into my neck, drinking fully and completely. It’s too much, my body can’t give anymore. He has to stop before he takes all that I have to give. But he doesn’t stop; he pulls harder, ripping the black rags from my body as he does. His hands roam roughly all over. He won’t stop. I start to plead for him to stop, to have mercy. He won’t. He loves this, loves me like this. Oh gods I hate him. I hate his laugh and the wicked gleam in his eyes as he drains me all but dry of my life’s sustenance. His hands move lower and I struggle even more to free myself from his vice like grip, but he’s to strong and I to weak. After all that he took I am always too weak. Damn him. He wrenches my legs apart, shoving his fingers inside me. It hurts, his claws scratch my insides, making me bleed all over his hand. God, why won’t he stop? Please make him stop. No more, I can’t take anymore. He pulls his hand back and licks his fingers, a disgusting grin flashes across his face. Why does he look at me like that? Why do his eyes look so evil? I try to squirm away, praying for someone to save me. God, can no one hear me scream? Am I screaming?

He pulls down his pants, I see his naked body. It’s so rigid. What is he…? Oh god, he’s moving closer. Don’t let him touch me. Not there. Not with that. He grins as he pins my chest down. I feel tears running down my cheeks. He leans down and licks them off. He’s still in my head. I can feel him laughing at my fear and pain. Make him stop. He stares at me for a minute. I can feel the wicked malice coming from his body as he leans down and brutally shoves himself inside me. Oh god it hurts. He’s too big. I can’t take it. He doesn’t care… All he does is get his pleasure by forcing himself deeper into me. Bruises appear all over my body from his pressing hands. When is he going to stop? He’s going faster now. I feel his body tensing up and he pounds harder. He growls, it’s so low in his throat. So deadly. As he spends himself he bites me again; not because he wants to feed, he’s already satisfied. He just wants to hurt me more. He lives for that…

This is why I am so broken journal… So non-existent. I just woke up from that, a nightmare of something I lived through, time and time again. It took me the better part of 20 minutes to stop crying and cowering in the corner of my room, and then I thought… just maybe I should write down what I felt into you. I don’t know why I decided to. I’m not being chained, and no one is forcing me… I just thought it would help. And look at that… You’re pages are wet with tears, but I have stopped crying… and shaking. Maybe Treble was correct in her thoughts that writing in you would help. I won’t be going back to sleep, but I think I might be okay. Thank you Journal; even though I still hate you.

~Payne~

[Payne]

Day Thirteen:

Tonight… I stood under the stars, staring at them for what must have been an eternity. I don’t think anytime in my 19 years I have ever just… stared at them. They are stunning things, those great balls of gas. The sky was dark, almost pitch black, and scattered everywhere were these beautiful silver/white stars. It touched my heart Journal, literally touched my very soul to see such beauty. As I stood there, staring at the amazing beauty that was the night time sky my thoughts began to wander through my mind. I am such a broken creature… But with beauty like that… in the sky… I can’t be completely ruined can I? I don’t think so… Just severely broken. But what’s broke can be fixed… Right?

I’m not sure at this point in my journey if that’s the truth, but I have to believe it or I am going to walk around as a shell the rest of my days. I don’t know what’s sparked this fire inside of me, but I can’t say that I don’t like it. I rather enjoy the feelings of warmth racing through my veins. But I’m scared… What if I am wrong? What if I am just going to go through life an emotional nothing? That thought scares me, especially after what I am feeling right this very second.

Oh blast it all Journal! Why am I so muddled in my head? My thoughts are clear, but my feelings, because apparently I have those, are all crossed. Front wards, backwards, forwards, side wards. They are all crissed and crossed, and I don’t think I will ever be able to feel anything like a normal being. Whatever… I don’t want to be normal… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to hope. The only thing those lead to is pain, and death. Always pain and death. Unless it involves Zaknaun… Then maybe… just maybe… there doesn’t have to be pain, or death. I believe I’ve made my very first friend here at the Folly journal. I spoke of him once before in your disgusting pages. He is a drow, which is a type of elf, and… Well, he doesn’t seem to have had the easiest of lives. I don’t know how I feel about him… Just that… Well, I don’t feel empty when I talk to him. That’s enough for now… No more. It hurts to think about such things…

~Payne~

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